KKSNetwork™

As the KKSN Company Doctor, It is my duty to inform you of some helpful tips to stay healthy during the flu season, and to stay safe from the threat of H1N1, or “Swine Flu.” Although I do not have any fancy “degrees” from any “universities” I have seen the Discovery Health Channel (which, by the way is a great place to see both gore AND nudity at the same time!)  and this makes me the most medically experienced member of the KKSN staff.

Now, you may be asking, what is the first thing we should do? Well, my answer is: panic. Though many Ivy League TV talking heads tell you to not panic, I advise you to do the opposite. In fact, the appropriate time for panic passed several weeks ago. Now, though most of us will die horrible, horrible deaths because of this flu, you need to know that those people are mostly minorities, meaning that they don’t count.

HOW NOT TO GET THE SWINE FLU:

1. Wear masks at all times. While eating, sleeping, showering, sex (oh, forget that last one, it doesn’t apply to you since you’re reading the KKSN.) at school, work, church, funerals, or even your daily loiter outside of the playground, it is important to wear a high grade surgical mask. Also, voodoo masks are recommended, to ward off the demons that cause the swine flu.

2. Wash your hands. A simple solution of soap and water work best, however alcohol-based hand sanitizer will work in situations wear soap (and gin) are unavailable. Or, better yet, remove your hands using a sterile butcher knife to eliminate an H1N1 breeding ground.

3.  If you are coughing or sneezing, do the responsible thing and incinerate your own body. If you are a parent (unlikely, since you are reading the KKSN) and your child exhibits any suspicious symptoms, do so for them, too. The same goes for stranger on the street, the cops will understand.

4. Be sure to keep your de-lousing spray handy. Spray all people that come within a 12 meter radius of you. It may burn, but it is worth it in the long run.

5. Sacrificing chickens, lambs, or firstborn children to whichever deity, spirit, or demon is least angry at you can also help.

6. Take pills. It doesn’t matter for what these pills are prescribed for, just take them, nothing bad can happen. (and all the cool kids are doing it!)

7.  DO NOT lick doorknobs. Though they are tempting, you must suppress your primal urges to do so.

If you follow all of these tips, you will survive.

“Dr.” b4nd1t

The KKSN does not guarantee survival. b4nd1t is obviously not a doctor and should not be treated as such. By reading any of this post  you waive all responsibility on the part of the KKSN. You are also property of the KKSN and b4nd1t. Bow down to your new master.

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